FREE ME! YES, I JUST TOLD YOU TO FREE ME. LEAVE ME BE, I
DON’T NEED YOU TO PLAY THE SAME RECORD OVER AND OVER AGAIN. This is
neither a request nor a rant of my accumulated frustrations caused by
your “good intentions” that more often seem like a means to swallow me
into a pit full hypocritical norms of society.
It was a day like any other, nothing out of the ordinary, I went
about it doing my daily routine, and when the sun decided to set over
the historic River Thames I walked to the balcony to contemplate its
beauty. It was magical, even though I’d lived in that apartment for over
two years, the view continued to overwhelm me. The Skyscrapers in
Canary Wharf seemed so close…… I decided to sit on one of the beautiful
ornamented chairs and enjoy the moment, nature took the centre stage
and I was the admirer, it felt like I was at a show and I was enamoured,
left speechless by the alluring performance of my muse, and after a
minute or two of daydreaming my imagination halted and I was brought
back to reality by the sound of a police siren.
I decided to call my cousin back home to know how she was feeling
because she had been ill for a while. After a couple of rings, I heard
an ecstatic voice on the other side and I just knew she was better. We
talked for about an hour, catching up on each other’s lives and of
course she told me the latest family gist, including the news that our
cousin was getting married and that they had already done the
engagement. My heart blew up in excitement and I couldn’t contain my
happiness. I was extremely pleased for her, because I knew that that was
what she wanted and the guy in question seemed to be a good man.
The moment she told me about the wedding, I knew what was coming
next, it was inevitable, and I could just feel it coming deep down,
sooner or later. After talks about what colour our dresses would be and
where we would get our shoes, the long awaited question finally arose
“So, when are you getting married? You know you are not a child anymore,
you better be quick”. I knew it…I just knew it.Before I could think of an answer to retaliate (she’s eight years
older by the way and has never been married herself ) those words
penetrated my ears so sharply, resounded in my head so loudly that I
couldn’t even hear my own thoughts and I almost got an instant
headache. Months prior to this, my other cousin who is also older than I
am asked me the same question, but in a more brute manner, her words
insinuated that I wasn’t yet a whole person because of my single status,
which left me vexing for a couple of hours but nothing that my
favourite cocktail could not solve.
On a more serious note, I believe that as women we need not to
conform to people’s ideals of what womanhood is. Each of us is an
individual with a unique destiny to fulfil. Most of my friends have
complained time and time again about the pressure their relatives put on
them about marriage and in all honesty I didn’t understand their
displeasure and indignation until I was also made a target. My concern
with the issue is not marriage itself or the fact that our loved ones
want us to tie the knot and live a happy ever after. What I find
problematic is the ambiguity of the matter, the camouflaged underpinning
of the subject. What is the real reason that drives their
preoccupation?
Even though we live in the 21st century where most people
like to think of themselves as open-minded and advanced, we still fall
short of tolerance and non-judgmental attitudes towards women’s issues
such as this. Most times, women are the ones that put mental shackles on
other women; As if it were a competition they draw the mark of the
“appropriate” age to become one with another. And whoever does not reach
that target is frowned upon, directly or indirectly. Like in family
gatherings when there’s always a group of people gossiping about the 30
something year old cousin that has not brought a man to the house yet,
so they think of ways they can hook her up with someone or schedule days
they can meet up to pray and fast for her. In order to justify their
actions they say things like “we just want you to be happy”, “we don’t
want you to end up alone”, “your biological clock is ticking”. Well fair
enough, if concern comes from a place of love it’s admissible but when
they give you little space to breathe and they make it their duty to
remind you over and over and over and over and over again then I roll my
eyes at it.
It is appalling that still, in certain cultures you can be a smart,
top class, educated, independent woman but if you don’t have a partner,
all your merits will account to nothing. It is horrifying that
heedlessly mixed messages are being sent out to our daughters about
their identity and the boxes they have to tick before they can become
well-deserving members of society. Unconsciously marriage for African
women has become an inherited goal, from the moment we are born, people
expect us to become somebody’s wife someday. It’s disgusting to see the
disdain some married women show to their peers that do not flaunt a
wedding band.
It is comprehensible that there are women that make it a priority in
their lives to change their surnames, but it should also be acceptable
that in fact there are women that do not want to be married, there are
women that only want to get married after a certain age, there are women
that are not married because they want to achieve certain things first,
and there are women that are not married yet because the man they
aspire for has not crossed their path.
Do not misunderstand my words; my intention here is not to undermine
marriage. In my candid opinion it is a beautiful institution created by
God for two people that decide to spend their lives together willingly.
People should get married when they are ready for it and when the right
person has come along, by right person I do not mean someone that is
perfect, by now we all know that perfect people only exist in Disney
movies and bedtime stories. The right person for you is that someone you
can look past their imperfections and still have a smile on whenever
you think of them.
Matrimony should serve as a beautiful platform for
creative outcomes, it should not be a burden. In my 23 years of
existence, I have lived long enough to see admirable women lose their
confidence, their pride, their dignity to men that didn’t respect them,
men that didn’t even deserve to occupy the same space as them. Sometimes
only after a few dates, I would find myself attending their weddings,
everyone laughing, dancing, and wishing the couple all the best. Then
after a year, or even just a couple of months we would meet up but I
wouldn’t be able to find them. I would look at them and not see the same
person I knew before the wedding. They’d become cheap shattered copies
of themselves, in a rush, they got married to men they barely knew, all
due to the pressure to meet society’s standards, standards that were not
their own.
We need to break free from the notion that a woman’s ultimate purpose in life is to become a wife. I believe that a woman’s ultimate purpose is to become the best person she can be, married or not.
Getting married is a part of the puzzle not the puzzle. Everyone can
achieve great things with or without a man. Your identity is not defined
by a man so, PLEASE let’s stop bashing one another and let others live
in peace. If your name is not God the author of time then stop judging!
If you are single and wish to walk down the aisle but time is passing
and there’s no eligible man at close sight do not dismay. Romans 8: 28
clearly states that “ And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, whohave been called according to his purpose.”
He knows what He’s doing in your life, so please stop listening to the
annoying comments from family and friends and trust His timing.
Stay Blessed,
Warezza Carvalho
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